英语笑话集锦

茜茜天使

Dearwhite,somethingyougottoknow.
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& S/ h0 l& Q- N& ^6 s　　亲爱的白种人，有几件事你必须知道。
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" l; V  a  M0 h; Q- Q: Y　　WhenIwasborn,Iwasblack.

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　　当我出生时，我是黑色的。
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8 P$ c  {" E& J  y! X3 K# h　　WhenIgrowup,Iamblack.
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) N* I( d; T; W0 L+ p　　我长大了，我是黑色的。


　　WhenI'munderthesun,I'mblack.


　　我在阳光下，我是黑色的。
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4 i! T5 P. W7 a8 d  u; j4 h: a　　WhenI'mcold,I'mblack.

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# ?) K+ e  w8 N( X" u- r　　我寒冷时，我是黑色的。
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0 |' o0 ~' X" k+ H  d. [% D  T　　WhenI'mafraid,I'mblack.
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) T0 K) i$ n) y0 ]0 h7 }9 n' h　　我害怕时，我是黑色的。
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　　WhenI'msick,I'mblack.

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* M6 I& N! q% k5 I/ `　　我生病了，我是黑色的。
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　　WhenIdie,I'mstillblack.


　　我死了，我仍是黑色的。


　　You———whitepeople,


　　你———白种人，
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　　Whenyouwereborn,youwerepink.
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5 O' S2 x) }+ r7 I6 J% g' f　　当你出生时，你是粉红色的。
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　　Whenyougrowup,youbecomewhite.

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　　你长大了，变成白色的。
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　　You'reredunderthesun.


　　你在阳光下，你是红色的。


) |1 t* K2 |$ o/ Z  Y' f　　You'rebluewhenyou'recold.
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. h, Q) y' P9 M　　你寒冷时，你是青色的。
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　　Youareyellowwhenyou'reafraid.
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- p; ]% V* P' f) T/ d' f! G; ?8 h　　你害怕时，你是黄色的。


　　You'regreenwhenyou'resick.
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　　你生病时，你是绿色的。
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　　You'regraywhenyoudie.

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- m# b# P+ e7 d- O" Q9 m# `3 Q4 s! T　　当你死时，你是灰色的。


; k9 V: p  w! K( G- F9 C　　Andyou,callme"color"?


% d: d0 ^4 N1 H/ }5 e　　而你，却叫我"有色人种"？

8 I. ]# \; o) ?4 B[ 本帖最后由 samsammi 于 2007-8-7 13:36 编辑 ]

茜茜天使

Sooner or later

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& ~9 I' D6 t) g- C) p　　A thief with a long record was brought before the judge.

　　Judge: Have you ever stolen things?

5 k! j2 w  @5 Y, N  i3 x　　Thief: Oh, now and then.
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" J3 S! Y8 f( o9 \& |) A6 ]+ J　　Judge: And where have you stolen these things?
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　　Thief: Oh, here and there.
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% v. V& u( B$ P4 a0 l/ W1 |0 f　　Judge: Right. Lock him up, officer.

& c9 Q/ @7 J+ D9 N" c, o" \, h3 j# h　　Thief: Hey, when do I get out jail?

　　Judge: Oh, sooner or later.
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( @: a8 G: c. B) bChief is at the wedding
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" ^/ _: J! E( M: D: c* l　　A police stopped a motorist who was speeding on the street. "But officer," the man said, "I can explain."

1 T2 g* i: m9 z8 c/ Y. s6 j; K　　"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to put you in jail until the chief gets back."

+ n. N9 r/ f9 w, q  J, V: ]　　"But ,officer, I …."

6 Q4 N; g5 ^1 {! l; w6 {9 Z2 w　　"I said to keep quiet! You are going to jail!"

/ K6 p: @, B0 p7 f　　A few hours later, the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "You are lucky because the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

　　"Are you sure?" answered the man in the cell. "I'm the groom."

茜茜天使

Who was the first Man?
　A teacher said to her class:
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4 h1 o6 U9 y( V5 Q/ _7 w2 y　　"Who was the first man?"
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　　“George Washington," a little boy shouted promptly.
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$ t1 r3 U( a6 h$ L; K* F2 i　　"How do you make out that George Washington was the first man?" asked the teacher, smiling indulgently.

$ H, B5 v9 F7 m# r　　"Because, " said the little boy, "he was first in war, first in peace, and first in the hearts of his countrymen."

; }/ X8 [: o/ p2 e" D1 r9 X　　But at this point a larger boy held up his hand.
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2 l7 c- y- x1 Z" ]4 j0 z, i　　"Well," said the teacher to him, "who do you think was the first man?"

　　"I don't know what his name was," said the larger boy, "but I know it wasn't George Washington, ma'am, because the history book says George Washington married a widow, so, of course, there must have been a man ahead of him."
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　　有个老师问班上的学生：

　　“谁是第一个男人？”
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0 e; a! f( G; U" j7 Y+ t5 `　　“乔治·华盛顿，”一个小男孩当即叫道。
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　　“你怎么知道乔治·华盛顿是第一个男人呢？”老师问道，宽容地微笑着。

　　小男孩说：“因为他是战时第一，和时第一，国人心中第一。”
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  B( n/ I& {/ t4 B* S3 n　　这时一个大点儿的男孩举起手来。

  z0 ?- ]. P) ~. N6 v1 r/ Q1 m7 H　　“那么，”老师对他说，“你认为谁是第一个男人呢？”
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　　“我不知道他的名字，”大点儿的男孩说，“但我知道不是乔治·华盛顿，老师。因为历史书上说，乔治·华盛顿取了一个寡妇，所以在他前面肯定还有一个男人。”

　　

茜茜天使

[英语幽默]How do you know that?
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& B4 ^) t7 x( J* ~2 {6 i　　Bob: My car doesn't have a speedometer.

　　Rob: Then how do you know how fast you're going?

　　Bob: Well, when I'm driving at 15 miles an hour, the fenders rattle; at 25 miles an hour, the windows rattle; and at 30, the motor starts knocking-and that's as fast as it'll go.


7 R. i2 i5 W: z" X5 Y[英语幽默]The Looney Bin (疯人院)

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8 r, h5 C8 }9 ?( |- a　　Late one night at the insane asylum (疯人院）one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!"

) L) a& Y, Y$ ~# Q& b8 W　　Another one said, "How do you know?"
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　　The first inmate said, "God told me!"
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( f/ F- g+ w$ f1 j　　Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did not!"

! H0 p" e' ?/ k0 |9 y. R/ u　　疯人院
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6 L6 C( O+ k: A( t& f; Q; A　　一天晚上，在疯人院里，一个病人说："我是拿破仑！"另一个说："你怎么知道？"第一个人说："上帝对我说的！"一会儿，一个声音从另一个房间传来："我没说！"

9 L6 L5 w# \) t7 [& O　　Notes:
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4 D- H4 B. Q- L　　（1）Looney (俚语）疯子

" C7 o7 P8 R- R7 g0 L　　（2）inmate（n.同住者,同室者(特指在医院、监狱)）

( M, t7 S8 b, @! z　　（3）insane asylum (疯人院）
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茜茜天使

The lecturer on evolution had been going on for nearly two hours. then he started again, and said he:"Let me ask the evolutionist a question --- if we had tails like a baboon, where are they?"
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+ u$ Y; H6 q  h. G1 b8 z; Y/ K"I'll venture an answer, " said an old lady. "We have worn them off sitting here so long.".

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教进化论的老师已经滔滔不绝地讲了快两个小时，他的话题又来了：“让我向进化论者提个问题——如果我们曾经像狒狒那样长着尾巴，那么现在尾巴到哪里去了？”
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“我来试试看，”一位老太太说。
0 p9 o- G: h9 e“该是我们在这里坐这么久把它们磨掉了吧。”

茜茜天使

Three very tough mice  


Three rats are sitting at the bar talking bragging about their bravery and toughness.
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The first says, "I'm so tough, once I ate a whole bagful of rat poison!"
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0 }( F& h; w3 i5 BThe second says, "Well I'm so tough, once I was caught in a rat trap and I bit it apart!"


Then the third rat gets up and says, "Later guys, I'm off home to harass the cat."
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Terrible car accident
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There was a terrible bus accident. Unfortunately, no one survived the accident except a monkey which was on board and there were no witnesses. The police try to investigate further but they get no results. At last, they try to interrogate the monkey. The monkey seems to respond to their questions with gestures. Seeing that, they start asking the questions.


The police chief asks, "What were the people doing on the bus?"


( A. Z& J+ S+ ?) _. ^The monkey shakes his head in a condemning manner and starts dancing around; meaning the people were dancing and having fun.
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The chief asks, "Yeah, but what else were they doing?".


The monkey uses his hand and takes it to his mouth as if holding a bottle.
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The chief says, "Oh! They were drinking, huh??!" The chief continues, "Okay, were they doing anything else?"
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- q4 ~$ n( d, o% P# [; {The monkey nods his head and moves his mouth back and forth, meaning they were talking.
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9 |) M" {# Q1 e+ n) x2 FThe chief loses his patience, "If they were having such a great time, who was driving the stupid bus then?"

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The monkey cheerfully swings his arms to the sides as if grabbing a wheel.

茜茜天使

Get a three day pass  
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An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.


The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!"
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% _* E; _1 k+ H; l7 p/ X# _So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!

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The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?"

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- Y6 B# Z* y( r* a8 f  x( t" z"Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!"

茜茜天使

Seems there was a young soldier, who, just before battle, told his sergeant that he didn't have a rifle.
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1 R  a$ K, i! k0 Y0 Z1 t"That's no problem, son," said the sergeant. "Here, take this broom. Just point it at the Germans, and go 'Bangety Bang Bang'."

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"But what about a bayonet, Sarge?" asked the young (and gullible) recruit.

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The sergeant pulls a piece of straw from the end of the broom, and attaches it to the handle end. "Here, use this... just go, 'Stabity Stab Stab'."
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The recruit ends up alone on the battlefield, holding just his broom. Suddenly, a German soldier charges at him. The recruit points the broom, "Bangety Bang Bang!" The German falls dead.
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2 Y& Q, P: a6 _6 K" q7 Q* o1 m9 ^More Germans appear. The recruit, amazed at his good luck, goes "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" He mows down the enemy by the dozens. Finally, the battlefield is clear, except for one German soldier walking slowly toward him.


"Bangety Bang Bang! shouts the recruit. The German keeps coming. "Bangety Bang Bang!" repeats the recruit, to no avail. He gets desperate. "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" It's no use.
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The German keeps coming. He stomps the recruit into the ground, and says, "Tankety Tank Tank."

茜茜天使

An Army brat was boasting about his father to a Navy brat.
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"My dad is an engineer. He can do everything. Do you know the Alps?"

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" h1 c* h. t3 A& x3 y- |* _"Yes," said the Navy brat.
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"My dad has built them."


Then the naval kid spoke: "And do you know the Dead Sea?"
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"Yes."
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"It's my dad who's killed it!"
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; A4 ]1 |& }6 u$ s* XSoldiers in Heaven

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9 J6 n% l/ X: d% ?; \. YLittle Willie asked his mother: "Mamma, don't soldiers ever go to heaven?"
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"Of course they do!" protested his mother. "What makes you ask?"

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"There are so many soldiers with beards but I never saw any pictures of angels with beards."


"Oh, that's because most men who go to Heaven get there by a close shave."

茜茜天使

Talking to the general
It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.

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8 J9 r7 k+ g1 [- {- ]' V+ xA General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!"

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The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good evening soldier, nice night, isn't it?"


' r  m2 u" S2 b' J6 D" S% \$ ?2 O3 Q  ^Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied "Sir, Yes Sir!".

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The General continued, "You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?"
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The Private didn't agree, but them the private was just a private, and responded "Sir, Yes Sir!"


7 t5 B) t1 j1 |* A  V& l1 I/ E+ nThe General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train."


2 t4 x$ \' Q/ O& h% BThe Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said "Sir, Yes Sir!"
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The General continued "I got this dog for my wife."

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) ?  w$ K8 l- ~- uThe Private simply said "Good trade Sir!"